Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Greatest Quote In The History Of Whatever.

Dick Kaegel has covered the Royals as a beat writer for something like a quarter of a century, writing for the Royals’ website for the better part of a decade and for the Kansas City Star long before that. You know what you’re going to get from a Kaegel article, generally – a solid account of each game, a number of clubhouse quotes, and a perpetually rosy (and occasionally fanboyish) perspective on the Royals.

What you don’t expect from a Kaegel article is anything controversial. Which is why, I suspect, a mind-blowing quote embedded within one of his articles for MLB.com last week passed by unrecognized by Royals fans everywhere.

Here’s the article – in which Kaegel is surprisingly explicit about the Royals’ issues – if you want to play along at home. See if you can find the quote I’m referring to.

If not, here’s an excerpt from the article:

And, over in the Royals' front office they’re saying, in the words of one exec, “We’re much more athletic than we were last year.”

Maybe so. And, if they also turn out to be better, the Royals have done it at much less cost than last year when their re-signing of Olivo ($2.8 million, including buyout) and adding Coco Crisp ($6.25 million, including buyout), Jacobs ($3.275 million), Kyle Farnsworth ($4.25 million) and Juan Cruz ($2.25 million) was close to a total of $20 million invested. OK, $18.825 million if you're adding it up.

In return for Crisp and Jacobs, two guys who were counted on to amp up the offense, they traded away relievers Ramon Ramirez and Leo Nunez. Seemed pretty reasonable at the time.

“Everybody thought we had the greatest offseason in the history of whatever and people in the game were saying we did as good as anybody in improving the team,” a Royals official said.

It didn't work out that way, did it? The club won 65 games and tied for last place.

This year’s new crop has added a mere $8.7 million to the 2010 payroll.

Read that again.

“Everybody thought we had the greatest offseason in the history of whatever and people in the game were saying we did as good as anybody in improving the team,” a Royals official said.

One more time.

“Everybody thought we had the greatest offseason in the history of whatever and people in the game were saying we did as good as anybody in improving the team.”

Everybody thought. Greatest offseason. History.

Let’s ignore the part about how “people in the game” said the Royals “did as good as anybody in improving the team.” This very well may be true. I mean, let’s say there was a guy in your fantasy league who has sucked year after year, whose draft strategy ossified in 1985 and who thinks that Joe Saunders is a first-round pick because he’s won 16 games each of the last two years. If that guy was tired of getting beaten up year after year, and was thinking of leaving the league – or worse, he was thinking about learning what all this hullabaloo about “sabermetrics” and “Moneyball” was about, and asked you for advice, what would you tell him? If you wouldn’t be tempted to pat him on the back and give him a few “attaboys” and tell him that he’s doing great and eventually his luck has to turn, well, you’re a better man than I.

So if Billy Beane or Kenny Williams told Dayton Moore that hey, we love what you did with your roster, and that Mike Jacobs is going to be a huge addition to your lineup and Kyle Farnsworth could be a force in your bullpen, well…let he who wouldn’t have done the same thing in their shoes throw the first stone. I’m fresh out.

But the first part…”everybody thought we had the greatest offseason in the history of whatever”…might be the single most delusional quote in the history of the franchise.

Back in 1993, Troy Aikman was named to People magazine’s annual “50 Most Beautiful People” list. If memory serves, when told of the honor, Aikman’s immediate response was, “they must not know that many people.” If someone in the Royals’ front office believes that “everybody” thought they had a good off-season last winter, they need to talk to more people. Preferably ones who aren’t imaginary.

I can’t possibly list everyone’s opinions about the Royals’ moves last winter, but here’s a sample. Here’s Posnanski on Mike Jacobs. Here he is (towards the end of a long post) on Kyle Farnsworth. Here’s Rob Neyer on Willie Bloomquist. And you don’t need me to link to what I wrote at the time to know that I hated all three of these acquisitions. And let's not forget - though it's so tempting to - about Horacio Ramirez.

Granted, that’s just three writers, although the three writers most commonly associated with the Royals. Okay, so here’s ESPN's season preview for the Royals last season. Down at the bottom you have a prediction from five different writers as to how the Royals would finish in 2009. Three predicted that the Royals would finish last in the division – the other two predicted fourth. (And all five were right!) Not the kind of consensus you would expect after the greatest offseason in the history of whatever.

In the interest of fairness, I should point out that reviews of the Coco Crisp trade were mixed. Many people – myself included – thought the Juan Cruz was signing was a nice buy-low acquisition. And the long-term contract extension for Zack Greinke, even if it was a no-brainer, may have single-handedly redeemed the off-season. But – at-best – the off-season was a wash. It wasn’t the greatest offseason in the history of whatever. It was barely the greatest offseason in the history of the 2008-09 Royals.

I could criticize this quote from now till kingdom come, but really, this quote transcends criticism. It is a masterpiece of hallucinatory thinking. I’m convinced the secret to cold fusion is locked somewhere inside that quote. So the only proper response is not criticism – it is mockery. Let’s imagine what this anonymous Royals’ official would have said about some famous historical events:

France, 1940: “Everybody thought we had the greatest series of concrete fortifications and trenches in the history of whatever and generals were saying we did as good as anybody in defending our border.”

The set of Heaven’s Gate, 1980: “Everybody thought we had made the greatest movie in the history of whatever and critics were saying we did as good as anybody in crafting a 3-hour, 39-minute film.”

Massachusetts, 2010: “Everybody thought we had run the greatest campaign in the history of whatever and politicians were saying we did as good as anybody in running for Senate.”

Feel free to play along in the comments section. Create your own quote – it’s fun! At least, it’s a lot more fun than contemplating the implications of the real one.